TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of area. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have One more put in which American Adult men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: supply All people a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should Trump Tower Damascus not open a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he must cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a element staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after finding the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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